mirror of erised

If you were in front of the "Mirror of Erised" what would be your heart's deepest desires? I'm just leaving you all something to think about.

Remember only "those who wished to find something, but not use it, shall have it" and those who were "searching to use it, shall only see themselves in the mirror having it."

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Maybe for my imaginative self, I shall see myself to have some magical powers and all that, and would conjure all things nice, but I cannot have it, and honestly it would never be.

But truth be told, having magical powers was not even one of my deepest desires. My
deepest heart's desires would be so simple that may be even the "Mirror or Erised" cannot contain or even magnify it. It would be as simple as having a remedy for a broken and empty soul, a remedy for a distraught heart, and a remedy for a troubled mind.

These were my deepest desires that not anyone have touched, felt, nor reached, if they do try to reach out.

Again "have yourself a merry little Christmas...", and think what might be your deepest heart's desires.

experience is the best teacher?

"Experience is the best teacher"

But upto when? I do understand and I do believe that "experience is the best teacher" if and only if, you had made a decision impulsively. For some point in your life you will realize that the path you had taken was somehow different to what you had expected. Because you had acted impulsively, then definitely the experience you had will serve as a teacher to guide you.

However, objectively speaking, in the very begining you should have anticipated what the outcomes were if you chose any of the options laid down to you. You should have anticipated the consequences and prior to deciding you already had learned what you should have learnt in the said experience before you were caught up in that situation.

I do understand that not all people can comprehend what you are feeling and what you have experienced. Individual differences play a major role in life, some uses their brains first rather than their hearts. If you're asking for sympathy, or empathy on your experience, then think again on who you're talking with! Some people were not as stupid as you, who based their decisions on fate, superstitions and sheer luck. Use your brain, if you do have one!

To think, you can't even fool somebody by stating that you wanted warmth and attention on your special someone, with which he can't provide. You can't fool someone with that annoying, old fashioned escapegoat most individuals do to get out of their relationships. You can't even fool someone by stating that there was never a third party involved, when in fact there was! You won't dare ask for someone to change their behavior abruptly, if you knew some intervening factors had affected your perception!

Now are you still going to shout to the whole world that "Experience is the best teacher" when in fact you haven't learnt anything from it except that had it blurred your perception.

On a psychologist point of view this is what I'm going to spare to you: don't deny certain facts, and don't even displace and project your stupidity on others. Coping styles works best if you employed the positve ones, not the negative ones! More so, stop pretending that you're so above the rest, your behavior does not complement your own schema.

warning: invectives ahead. pls. proceed to the next post

I hate it!!!!
F*ck the shit of it!!!
F*ck those bastards!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
Try to call again and I'll see to it that you'll feel the f*cking wrath of me!!!
I hate it!!!
I just hate it!!!
I just hate it!!!
I just hate it!!!
I jusssttttttttt so hatttttttttteeeee it!!!

Grrrrrr!!!!!

Anyway, sorry, I just can't contain the f*cking anger inside me. I just need an outlet. I just need some sort of absorber, so as this shit-of-an-anger be released!

Business hours is over, but f*ck those f*cking callers trying to gain access over the
internet line!
I hate them!!!!!!!!!!
I just do!!!!!
And if they tried to call again, I'll see to it that their ears would rang out of pain, for I shall slam the f*cking handset/headset very hard!

Sorry again for my misbehavior... Don't worry I will cool down a little bit, before I'll smash something very hard in front of someone.

torture's over...

Now, I can breathe easily. The NMAT exams were finished, though, I need not to be complacent about the results. Eight types of test covering 50 items each, was now over. I can now sleep. Yes...

Anyway, as a recap, I had taken the same test twice now. I took it before, but I'm not satisfied with a so-so result, just above the cut off score. Though, I promised myself after taking that, that I'm not going to repeat it, hell I ate all what I said. I retook the said exams.

You know, I felt so over-confident that I knew most of what is in-stored in the said battery of test, but I was wrong, they had changed most of the contents of the test. The inductive reasoning part changed as well. There were reindeer and flowers reversed and you need to determine the exact mirror image. Grrr... I just don't like that part. More so, computation for math exams seemed more difficult as of that of April's exams.

Well the truth, I'm afraid for the first 4 parts of the exams. I had not finished the last part due to lack of time (last 3 items, I guessed, were not answered). And I skipped some items in math, because I can't figure out how to derive the answer from a polynomial, and mixed fractions. For the last four parts, Oh, forget it! I forgot to the computation for molarity and molality same as velocity of sound waves, etcetera... etcetera!

But God, will not forsake me I know, He will sure spare me again from this burden!

Oh by the way, the little cutie (with which the picture was attached: just scan my previous post about impolite security guards), also retook the exams. I just don't know whether, he knew i was attracted to him or not, because he always keep on smirking every time our paths crossed. So, I'm really curious... whahaha... illusionada!

Lo siento mucho, para mi lenguaje. Just can't help being so multilingual...

sleep deprivation!

Sleep deprivation! Yes, on the day of the exams. Not that I'm willing to fall asleep in difficult problems later, but because I really don't feel sleepy. My eyes are tired of rotating, yet my mind still over-thinks about what will happen later.

Why deprive myself to sleep? I know you'll ask that question.

Because, my best friend called me up at around 11 in the evening for one simple reason: to persuade me of lending him my Harry Potter books (3 and 4)! Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking, he's a late reader of the said series, because he had no time to read such (he's a nursing student by the way), blah, blah, blah. Since, now he had the time, and he had finished his own board exams, he will read them.

I just didn't realized that I was so attached in talking to him, that it was already passed 12 that we hung up the phone. Almost an hour of debating and persuading just for him to grab a hold of the said books. Hell, he distracted me on my skimming process on my old notes for the aptitude battery exams later!

Anyway, prior to that, I had agreed to lend it to him, for only one condition: he'll wait for me till 7 in the evening in a bookstore, since exams will end by 5 in the afternoon, and journey home takes about an hour from La Salle Taft to Caloocan City Upper. And we end our conversation there.

After which, I asked my mom, and you know what? My ever dear mother started acting the selfish one telling me why on earth would i lend the book to him, and so on and so forth; and the books were costly... etcetera etcetera... The only escape goat I said was this: there is a collateral, so as to stop her from nagging me.

But since he knew me quite well, he verified the deal. You know what I said: "I lied! Hahaha! (Quoted from the famous female senator of the Philippines when she dared another politician, that if his allegations were indeed true she'll jump out of the plane without parachute, and later on found to be indeed true. But she never did jump out of the plane, she just made it appear as pun and said the exact words. (dunno what was that allegations))

Now, it's morning and I'm preparing for my exams around 7. Okay, I need to go. Just wish me luck on the said exams.

follow up on reming's disaster

Last night my father called our relatives in Albay; Tabacco, Albay to be exact and not Ginobatan, Albay. Since there was a partial communication restoration in the area he had managed to get some first hand information of what had happened in the Region. Hence, I've learned that my grandparents' house was totally destroyed, due to the trees that had fallen in it. Thank God, that my grandparents were not there! Unfortunately, my grandparents were staying at my uncle's house where flash floods reached upto the head. So upto now, I still don't know whether all my relatives were safe. My immediate relatives I say the least may have been saved by God, but what about the rest of my clan living in the said devastated region!

That was the worst scenario that my relatives had experienced. I don't know how water level reached upto the head, but I do recall that my uncle's house was kilometers near the sea shore line, so maybe the water level in the sea added up to the floods caused by Reming.

With regards to my other relatives living in the said region, I still don't know. The fact is I haven't even met all of my relatives. The only key on tracing them was through my grandfather.

Now, the question still remains the same for me. Would I celebrate this yultide season or just drop it out of my life's existence, just for now?

fellow christians...

Photos: Courtesy of Manila Bulletin, and The Philippine Daily Inquirer

Fellow Christians all over the world, please have time to pray for the victims of the super-typhoon in the Philippines. Typhoon Reming (international code name: Durian), struck the Philippine regions, which caused massive destruction to properties and lives of our fellow Christians. The super-typhoon, more so, triggered the mudslide in Albay, which killed people already amounting to 468, and hopefully would not increase by the following days to come.

To know more of what is happening check out this News link.

Please don't stop praying. Even if you're busy right now or what, just say a little prayer, even just the The Lord's Prayer. It would count the most if done in multitude.

nmat exams...

My examination for admission to post-graduate studies will be held on the 10th of the month. I'm scared! What if I get a not so good score or flunk the said examination? Where will I go to study medicine then? I'm so afraid of what lies ahead of me. Wish me luck and pray for me.

To tell you all, I had wasted most of my time at home helping the family business, yet I don't feel satisfied and I don't feel like I'm growing and developing intellectually. My stagnation (as my best-friend states), just to follow my dream to study medicine, sure caused panic to my parents' will. I just knew that they wanted me to pursue industrial psychology and be employed after graduating, but I disobeyed their will. Why? For a simple reason: I feel, I will not become happy with industrial psychology (being an HR assistant to be exact). My heart belongs to clinical area where I know I'll be a lot happier.

But now I'm really thinking hard; If I can still cling on to my desire, and if I can still hold that dream that someday my name will have two additional letters in the end, M.D. If God, permits it, so be it. If not then either try again or proceed with the road I had disregarded for more than eight months now, industrial setting.

Anyway, I should live on the saying that:

Don't look for happiness, but learn to become happy with what you do, be it routinary or not.

But you know what, I can't apply that in my life. I just can't. My insecuries and my fears sure are the heaviest luggages that I still carry on today. They make me ponder a lot on whether I'll be happier with the decisions I had to face.