confronting dilemma

[sorry for the vagueness]

I'm facing a very difficult situation that needs an exact resolution and decision, with which I think, I'm not capable of giving. This was the hardest that I've been through all my life, and honestly speaking, I don’t know how am I, going to untangle myself from it.

I have been standing long enough on the convergence of three different roads, and I really needed to choose which one I should take. I have been weighing possible advantages and disadvantages long enough that I'm too afraid of pin-pointing what avenue, am I going to trot for the rest of my life.

For some, I know it would be too easy; choose the best, and choose where your heart will lead you to, but I'm not even sure if that would apply to me. All my life I tried to follow what's best, and sure enough I did so, but why am I not feeling contented nor satisfied, and the worst of all, I am not happy.

I already had that little freedom on my grasps; to choose where my heart would be happy, yet I cannot afford to gamble it, because I know that I'm not the only one affected. I may choose one road, end up being happy with it, but to what expense? Putting someone on the other end of the spectrum? I may choose the other road, be satisfied with it, and yet sacrifice my happiness? Or choose the last option, be contented with it, and lose, shun, or discard even my dreams; and just take life as it is in that road.

I know there's more in life that I need to explore, and there are more obstacles that I need to confront. However, I'm thinking why can’t there be another road where happiness, contentment, and satisfaction prevailed? Why can't there be another road wherein no one would get affected if you decided to take it?

This is really not easy. I'm afraid to sacrifice my dreams, and I'm also afraid to sacrifice somebody just for me to reach those dreams. I understand that I should move on now, and take a stand for myself, but I still need a lot of time; time to give-up something in pursuit of another thing. As the saying goes "happiness is a choice" and I'm going to do my best to find and choose it, no matter what road am I going to take and no matter what things am I going to give up, because I don't want to end up as a hollow object.

grieve

I'm lost of words to spare, yet full of thoughts to ponder about. I never thought that investing emotionally on something or someone could give so much pain, unbearable pain. I just don't know now how to move on. I don't know how to forget those memorable times, I don't.

This is the reason why I don't want any relationship, given the fact that I need to invest on it emotionally. Pero, ginawa ko pa rin. Nagmahal pa rin ako ng mga alaga kong aso na mamamatay lang dahil sa bulate. Nakakaasar yang mga bulate na yan. Bwisit, bakit pa kasi may bulate! Kahit na dinala mo na sa isang beterinaryo wala pa rin silang nagawa dahil sa mga pesteng bulate na yan. Bakit pa kasi sila ginawa!

Today, my pet carl died. I don't know whether piggy piggy would end the same way as carl.