confronting dilemma

[sorry for the vagueness]

I'm facing a very difficult situation that needs an exact resolution and decision, with which I think, I'm not capable of giving. This was the hardest that I've been through all my life, and honestly speaking, I don’t know how am I, going to untangle myself from it.

I have been standing long enough on the convergence of three different roads, and I really needed to choose which one I should take. I have been weighing possible advantages and disadvantages long enough that I'm too afraid of pin-pointing what avenue, am I going to trot for the rest of my life.

For some, I know it would be too easy; choose the best, and choose where your heart will lead you to, but I'm not even sure if that would apply to me. All my life I tried to follow what's best, and sure enough I did so, but why am I not feeling contented nor satisfied, and the worst of all, I am not happy.

I already had that little freedom on my grasps; to choose where my heart would be happy, yet I cannot afford to gamble it, because I know that I'm not the only one affected. I may choose one road, end up being happy with it, but to what expense? Putting someone on the other end of the spectrum? I may choose the other road, be satisfied with it, and yet sacrifice my happiness? Or choose the last option, be contented with it, and lose, shun, or discard even my dreams; and just take life as it is in that road.

I know there's more in life that I need to explore, and there are more obstacles that I need to confront. However, I'm thinking why can’t there be another road where happiness, contentment, and satisfaction prevailed? Why can't there be another road wherein no one would get affected if you decided to take it?

This is really not easy. I'm afraid to sacrifice my dreams, and I'm also afraid to sacrifice somebody just for me to reach those dreams. I understand that I should move on now, and take a stand for myself, but I still need a lot of time; time to give-up something in pursuit of another thing. As the saying goes "happiness is a choice" and I'm going to do my best to find and choose it, no matter what road am I going to take and no matter what things am I going to give up, because I don't want to end up as a hollow object.

grieve

I'm lost of words to spare, yet full of thoughts to ponder about. I never thought that investing emotionally on something or someone could give so much pain, unbearable pain. I just don't know now how to move on. I don't know how to forget those memorable times, I don't.

This is the reason why I don't want any relationship, given the fact that I need to invest on it emotionally. Pero, ginawa ko pa rin. Nagmahal pa rin ako ng mga alaga kong aso na mamamatay lang dahil sa bulate. Nakakaasar yang mga bulate na yan. Bwisit, bakit pa kasi may bulate! Kahit na dinala mo na sa isang beterinaryo wala pa rin silang nagawa dahil sa mga pesteng bulate na yan. Bakit pa kasi sila ginawa!

Today, my pet carl died. I don't know whether piggy piggy would end the same way as carl.

philippine politics

I'm pittung aside this season's blissfulness, I mean, valentine's, to ponder on a
more logical and practical issue - political campaign. As I do recalled, I said
that I despised our country's politics, and true to my words, I still hate it!
Yet, how come reflect on it? For a simple reason, political campaign season started.

The (in)famous president of the Philippines once said in her speech, the country
should have a new set of law-makers able to make the country progressive instead
of the old one's doing nothing but to distract the country's development. I do
agree with her, yet only to a certain extent. I can vote, and recycle some
old politicians, if I know he/she is credible enough to follow his/her own
conscience, act on his/her will and with no tarnish on his/her track record.
This is definitely not a discrimination by age, but a eye opener to some
few individuals who doesn't know how to exercise their vote wisely.

Would you like to elect a so-called politician even if he/she didn't graduated
from any reputable law school? Would you like to vote for a popular celebrity even
if you know he/she is not capable enough to become a law-maker? Would you waste
your vote to some old traditional politician who haven't done anything? Would
you wished to elect a law-maker even if you know a relative of that said politician
is already in the position that he/she is aspiring to? Would you like to vote
for an ex-mutineer who wished to distabilize the so-called peace and order?
Would you wished to waste your time on voting some politicians crossing over
political borders? Lastly, would you vote a politician with a stained track
record, and doesn't stand by his/her conscience? Of course, No would be your answer, and same as mine. However, uneducated one's, from the marginalized
population area, definitely don't think that way, instead the opposite.

Okay, given that scenario, which is definitely happening in our country, I say if
the said politicians win the coming national elections, then no progress would
occur. What would an elementary graduate do as a law-maker? To the Filipinos out
there you know who I'm taking about - Manny Pacquiao! Yes, he running for congress!
What would he do? For heaven sake. Aside from him, there are these celebrities,
graduates of arts and all, not law; how would they manipulate the country to
progress. Shocks... such a waste of vote for some trustworthy individuals!
More so, political dynasty of the few elites.

But why do they force themselves in such positions (e.g. congress and senate), not because they wanted to help the country, not because they wanted development, but because of the prestige being added to their name - honorable senator, honorable congressman. Aside from that, the unauditable millions they can have from being in that position - the pork barrel. Such a wonderful country where you pay such a huge amount of taxes that goes only to the pockets of these corrupt individuals. (Okay, some may not be corrupt, but can be influenced to become one).

And this is always what, we, the few educated ones wanted to from the very beginning
we voiced out our grievances. We wanted reforms from capable individuals, and not from idiots and puppets of the few elites and power hungry individuals. We wanted
progress to occur and not regression. Now, it's not big deal, why most of us
wanted to flee from this waste-of-a-country to go to a more civilized one!

daniel radcliffe goes oh my...

Is it career move or what? The little boy wizard we all know as "harry potter" now shows off some skin. Oh wait not just some skin... ehmm... you all know what I mean.

Oh my gosh... the truth is, he's definitely sizzling hot for a 17 years old boy. Let's wait some more years and see if he would do some more of this kind of flicks.

I think the title of this post should be: boy wonder turns sex symbol... Harry Potter won't be the same again in my view.

Here are the some of the photos in http://danradcliffe.us

Anyway, I'm not from UK so I don't know what this Equus stage play is all about. Though we (harry potter fans) all know that this is a career move done by Daniel, it doesn't necessarily mean that we need to type-cast him (Daniel) as the living counterpart of Harry Potter. More so, it doesn't necessarily mean that we need to feel terribly disgusted on it, and speculate that he's running out for more money. The Harry Potter series will end, but Daniel's life would still continue on. Let's just respect his own decisions for that matter, and if you're really his fan: support him in whatever endeavor he might take in the near future.

middle child syndrome

I've been thinking lately about what was wrong with my psychological make-up.
I don't even know why I feel terribly empty, lonely, and unhappy. I know something
is wrong, yet even if I'd been conferred with a psychological degree I still can't
determine what is it. And for some reason, I misdiagnose myself to be having a depressed
state, or even having anorexia nervosa, for most of the symptoms are prevalently
prominent. More so, most of the time, I think there's something that is missing in
my life, and that I wanted to search for it.

Before a clinical psychologist told me, that I looked more as a patient and not
as a junior practinioner in the field. And you know what? I feel that it is true.
Conflicts that are more likely unresolved surges back
which caughts me off ground. If these things could just be explained by a single
syndrome then more likely it is "Middle Child Syndrome".

Middle child syndrome from the traditional psychological point of view, does not exist.
No such theory in psychology dealt with such syndrome. Only characteristics of being
a middle child, be it positive or negative characteristics or traits, and a middle
child's constant struggles to gain attention. Yet no one ever described that being a
middle child you need to become a loner, an underachiever, and have an unhappy view
about life.

Of course, I say so all these, because I'm a middle child. And being in my position
is not as good as it seems. Yes, I can have both worlds, both of the extremes, yet
the truth is, I can only earn or grab a part of it and not the entirety of both extremes. And most of the time, I feel that I am neglected. Why? Because my big brother is my father's favorite, and my younger brother being my mother's favorite. So where am I going to place myself? I just can't push my way through to get their attention. So my possible escape from such thing is to go away, shut myself from their existence.

It's not nice, but it's the only way for me not to feel the pain. Yet by doing so
many psychological problems arise covering up the main root. By moving away, I feel more secure, but with no outlet what so ever, to pour out all my feelings. By moving away, I learn not to trust people, for some simple reason, they're just like my parents - untrustful. By moving away, my life changed and now the emptiness that I described fills me in. With such action that I did, i felt unhappy.

Now may be that explains it; why I can't find anything that would make me happy and contented. May be it can also explain why I can't achieve something worth it, even though for some it's already a great achievement.

grand alumni homecoming

Dear UST Psychology Alumnus,

The College of Science will have a Grand Alumni Homecoming this February 2007 as it celebrates its 80th year of continuous pursuit of Excellence (Please see details of the event on the attached Formal Invitation).

I would like to invite all alumni (BS Psychology Graduates from 1925-2006!) to this event. Please invite your classmates too and make it a wonderful and fruitful reunion for BS Psych graduates!

Let us go back to our HOME and reunite with our friends and mentors!

Halina't mag-BALIK AGHAM!

REUBEN D.R. NUVAL

Board Member, Association of Thomasian Psychology Alumni

University of Santo Tomas

I've received this email and it excites me to hear that there will be an alumni homecoming in the college that I once belong. However, what i don't like about it was the fact that I need to reunite with my former ehem... mentors. (are they?) I still can't forget about how some so called "mentors" treated us grimly and ruefully, especially with the department that I once been under. I just like to meet with my former classmates and friends not them (mentors)... hay...

unresolved thoughts...

I've got so much to say, yet i'm devoid of words to spare. I just don't know how am I
going to make a concise compilation of all the experiences that I had these past days. Anyway to start of:

Do you believe in ghosts?
Do you believe in visions?

Well, what if I said I believe on them? Would you think it's absurd? Or would you think that I'm out of my mind? It depends, right? It depends if you believe in supernatural phenomenon or not. But why am I inserting such thoughts in my blog? Because, for some reason I've now seen the whole image of the ghost or poltergeist that roams around the house. It's not just the ordinary fast movement of an unknown white matter, but an exact figure of a female standing.

The truth is, it's so scary, for she appeared in my dreams. She's fair in complexion and tall. She stands right behind the closed door. She has a wavy hair, similar with
sadako/samara in The Ring, yet she doesn't go out of the television screen. She just
stands there. I walked towards her to ask what she's been doing there and to my surprise a pair of scary eyes appeared and a skeletal hands started reaching me... That's until my father woke me up.

The next thought that I'm pondering about was the so called "middle child" syndrome.
Yet my ideas are not yet finalized about it.

The last thought the passed through my mind... my future... medicine or nursing what or what?

Am I still making sense? Hay...

a song for the broken hearted...

Just take a while to listen and watch this song by Nina (a local singer from our country). If you have been deeply in-love with a person and suddenly been left alone, this song is for you.

Lyrics and content wise, this song mirrors the entirety of a person been left alone, and that person's struggle to move on after such a heart-breaking experience.

If you wish to read first the lyrics, just continue reading this post. For a snippet
here's the chorus:

Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday someday

"Someday"
by nina

Someday you’re gonna realize
One day you’ll see this through my eyes
By then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I cared

I know you don’t really see my worth
You think you’re the best guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it won’t take long
Won’t take long

Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You'll see, i won't even miss you
Someday someday

Right now I know you can tell
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I won’t have to cry, sweet goodbye

at a blank state

Since I'm stil devoid of thoughts to post for this year, I just surfed around the internet (though still very slow due to the damaged fiber optics in Taiwan) to find some interesting stuffs to post, and luckily i found some stuffs that i can post. Please bear with it for i do feel that some people might be offended because it's a crap thing. Just click the permalink to see what it is.

Anyway, a month had already passed after I took the NMAT exams, and now I'm still hoping that I can surpass my previous percentile rank. Upto now I'm still waiting for it so wish me luck, and pray for me for this is yet another turning point in my life.

So here are the blog things...

Who is your famous boyfriend? (for gurlz and gay guys only.)
Jesse McCartney he's young, innocent, blonde and sexy... dang, wat else is there to be said? nothing except, he can sing, he can act... hes just AWESOME
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

Isn't it sweet... haha... It's jesse mccartney!!!

And here is the other one:

what type of guy are you?
Normal Guy your just your avrage joe going threw life normal and dont notice your hottness.
Take The Quiz Now!	Quizzes by myYearbook.com

mirror of erised

If you were in front of the "Mirror of Erised" what would be your heart's deepest desires? I'm just leaving you all something to think about.

Remember only "those who wished to find something, but not use it, shall have it" and those who were "searching to use it, shall only see themselves in the mirror having it."

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Maybe for my imaginative self, I shall see myself to have some magical powers and all that, and would conjure all things nice, but I cannot have it, and honestly it would never be.

But truth be told, having magical powers was not even one of my deepest desires. My
deepest heart's desires would be so simple that may be even the "Mirror or Erised" cannot contain or even magnify it. It would be as simple as having a remedy for a broken and empty soul, a remedy for a distraught heart, and a remedy for a troubled mind.

These were my deepest desires that not anyone have touched, felt, nor reached, if they do try to reach out.

Again "have yourself a merry little Christmas...", and think what might be your deepest heart's desires.

experience is the best teacher?

"Experience is the best teacher"

But upto when? I do understand and I do believe that "experience is the best teacher" if and only if, you had made a decision impulsively. For some point in your life you will realize that the path you had taken was somehow different to what you had expected. Because you had acted impulsively, then definitely the experience you had will serve as a teacher to guide you.

However, objectively speaking, in the very begining you should have anticipated what the outcomes were if you chose any of the options laid down to you. You should have anticipated the consequences and prior to deciding you already had learned what you should have learnt in the said experience before you were caught up in that situation.

I do understand that not all people can comprehend what you are feeling and what you have experienced. Individual differences play a major role in life, some uses their brains first rather than their hearts. If you're asking for sympathy, or empathy on your experience, then think again on who you're talking with! Some people were not as stupid as you, who based their decisions on fate, superstitions and sheer luck. Use your brain, if you do have one!

To think, you can't even fool somebody by stating that you wanted warmth and attention on your special someone, with which he can't provide. You can't fool someone with that annoying, old fashioned escapegoat most individuals do to get out of their relationships. You can't even fool someone by stating that there was never a third party involved, when in fact there was! You won't dare ask for someone to change their behavior abruptly, if you knew some intervening factors had affected your perception!

Now are you still going to shout to the whole world that "Experience is the best teacher" when in fact you haven't learnt anything from it except that had it blurred your perception.

On a psychologist point of view this is what I'm going to spare to you: don't deny certain facts, and don't even displace and project your stupidity on others. Coping styles works best if you employed the positve ones, not the negative ones! More so, stop pretending that you're so above the rest, your behavior does not complement your own schema.

warning: invectives ahead. pls. proceed to the next post

I hate it!!!!
F*ck the shit of it!!!
F*ck those bastards!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
Try to call again and I'll see to it that you'll feel the f*cking wrath of me!!!
I hate it!!!
I just hate it!!!
I just hate it!!!
I just hate it!!!
I jusssttttttttt so hatttttttttteeeee it!!!

Grrrrrr!!!!!

Anyway, sorry, I just can't contain the f*cking anger inside me. I just need an outlet. I just need some sort of absorber, so as this shit-of-an-anger be released!

Business hours is over, but f*ck those f*cking callers trying to gain access over the
internet line!
I hate them!!!!!!!!!!
I just do!!!!!
And if they tried to call again, I'll see to it that their ears would rang out of pain, for I shall slam the f*cking handset/headset very hard!

Sorry again for my misbehavior... Don't worry I will cool down a little bit, before I'll smash something very hard in front of someone.