about christmas

Okay so it's hours to go before christmas... but why does everybody making fuss about it? They are all thinking that it would be merry, spending a lot of money, expecting for something to receive, and all yet "reality bites" it's not. Sorry for my sarcasm but i just don't get the point on why some like to avert from reality and pretend everything is okay.

Besides as I watch the news yesterday, I had heard of this seasonal emotional disorder (if i was right in recalling and i don't even know what it was!!) that people may experience in this season. The main root cause as I analyzed it, simple people's expectations about christmas; their views that are totally not applicable now a days.

I mean to be honest, i don't feel the christmas spirit anymore. all those explanations before, and people's stipulations that christmas should be a remembrance of the birth of christ were all gone out of my mind. My view now of christmas is something materialistic, as what we were brought up to, giving and expecting to receive gifts from someone. Christmas is something of exuberance, of wasting, and of spending. Then afterwards what? Suffer for all the wasted money that you had spent.

See my view why i don't really like this season to come.

We are, in my point of view, in the dark ages of life. Everything now has a something of an equivalent...

Hay I'm so blasphemous... but i really can't help it... so just bear with my rants...

I'm pessimistic... yes... hence i got a negative disposition...

but what's in it... that let me cling to it...

My failure to trust...

i only got an exclusive people that i trust the most...

they can only be counted in one's fingers...

but why do i have to doubt people?

why do i need to scrutinize their actions...?

why...? because i'm also afraid that they will leave me behind...

i'm afraid of the rejection... the consequences it will bring...

everything associated with it...

Slowly i'm stubbling away... lost forever in the way...

I told myself never to trust again... to walk all by myself...

to say to all of them that i can live for my own...

to let them see the prowess that i have...

but all of it... the promise of that glory... had faded away...

I'm alone... i'm lonely... and sick...

I'm afraid... oh yes... afraid of all the failures...

afraid of trusting again... and afraid of all the regrets that would come...

but i can't go back on the road... all i can do is to just look...

to see how all of them rejoices... while i sulk the pain all by myself...

paano ba maging masaya?

i had myself pondering again... over one thought... how to be happy?

akala ko noon kung ano ang maibigan ko at makuha ko magiging masaya na ako, pero mali ako. nakuha ko na yung gusto ko pero di naman ako masaya.

I looked back to life... pero not a single trace of happiness i had found...

i am vey much neurotic...

di ko alam... pero kasabay ng pagiisip ko kung paano ba maging masaya eh yung reflection ko na siguro napaka-negative ko. I mean, I'm always negative, kasi naniwala ako sa saying na narinig ko na use the negativism around you to be successful - and i did! All my life i'd sulked through it nowing someday i'd attain my own true happiness. pero hindi ata yun yung dapat kong ginawa.

Now look... i've become dependent on it... used it through others... and now it's eating me whole... wala na akong kawala... ngayon di ko na rin alam kung naging masaya nga ako kahit sandali ng buhay ko.

siguro nga... pero superficial lang lahat... not that true happiness...

bago ko pala naisipang ipost ito... nakareceive ako ng letter, same din sa reflection ko... obvious na napakalaking negatively charged particle ako... she said look through life positively... pero paano ba yun? If for once i was depressed all the time, i had a negative disposition and a negative outlook in life...

oh spare me from this... i want a life!!!

kagabi naalala ko na naman siya

di ko na naman napigilang umiyak...

Ewan ko ba, di ko talaga alam kung ano ang nakita ko sa kanya... pero pag-naaalala ko siya, madalas nadedepress ako, madalas nawawala ako sa sarili ko. hindi ko talaga alam...

para tuloy akong si Maria sa eleven minutes, naghahanap ng pagibig niya, ngunit wala naman siyang ginagawa para makita ito... dairy lang ang nakakaalam ng lahat.

pero bakit nga ba ako nadedepress...?

ano nga naman ba ang karapan ko para madepress...?

at bakit kailan ko pang umiyak...?

hindi naman naging kami, ako lang yung umaasa. ni hindi ko nga alam kung alam niya na may pagtingin ako sa kanya. pero bakit ganito pa rin yung nararamdaman ko?