on being open

What if you knew you were a part of a certain group, but you felt you don't belong to it? How would you respond to such surge of emotion? What if you knew it all along and just ignore the reality, that indeed it was happening, that you're just one of "out of place? What if the group you considered was a group of social ties but to them the opposite? What if your the only one thinking that it was a group you can find refuge but to them it was just nothing?

All these questions comes in to my mind everytime of the day. I just don't know why am I reflecting too much. I just don't bother all these kinds of questions before, but now its payback time, and every single opinion left unsaid makes it way out. My realizations seems bitter, and indeed really happening, people will only need me if I can give something that they need or want, after which, the end of the conversation. Nothing. Non-existent. I'm again left in that little corner that I have. My best friends will only call me if they need some thing from me, if they believe I have what they urgently needed. But what if it's the other way around? Would they be there? The answer: I'm busy right now. I'm tired, I'll just call you up. I'm sorry, I have not time for this. Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah. Alibi. Nothing but Alibi was the only thing I could get.

The only thing that I'm thinking right now, they just don't know what I really feel. They believe that it was okay. They believe that I will remain gullible for them because I wanted to maintain that so-called bonding; that so-called friendship that was really non-existent in the begining. I just hate the crap and the idea of it all. I just hate it! Don't they realize that I'm not not blind to see what they really want from me. I'm not an idiot! So please, stop making me one!

This is the reality that I need to confront, being lonely and alone with best friends that was just a call a way but doesn't serve as an outlet to pour out my pent emotions.