You are the pilot.


Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.
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about christmas

Okay so it's hours to go before christmas... but why does everybody making fuss about it? They are all thinking that it would be merry, spending a lot of money, expecting for something to receive, and all yet "reality bites" it's not. Sorry for my sarcasm but i just don't get the point on why some like to avert from reality and pretend everything is okay.

Besides as I watch the news yesterday, I had heard of this seasonal emotional disorder (if i was right in recalling and i don't even know what it was!!) that people may experience in this season. The main root cause as I analyzed it, simple people's expectations about christmas; their views that are totally not applicable now a days.

I mean to be honest, i don't feel the christmas spirit anymore. all those explanations before, and people's stipulations that christmas should be a remembrance of the birth of christ were all gone out of my mind. My view now of christmas is something materialistic, as what we were brought up to, giving and expecting to receive gifts from someone. Christmas is something of exuberance, of wasting, and of spending. Then afterwards what? Suffer for all the wasted money that you had spent.

See my view why i don't really like this season to come.

We are, in my point of view, in the dark ages of life. Everything now has a something of an equivalent...

Hay I'm so blasphemous... but i really can't help it... so just bear with my rants...

I'm pessimistic... yes... hence i got a negative disposition...

but what's in it... that let me cling to it...

My failure to trust...

i only got an exclusive people that i trust the most...

they can only be counted in one's fingers...

but why do i have to doubt people?

why do i need to scrutinize their actions...?

why...? because i'm also afraid that they will leave me behind...

i'm afraid of the rejection... the consequences it will bring...

everything associated with it...

Slowly i'm stubbling away... lost forever in the way...

I told myself never to trust again... to walk all by myself...

to say to all of them that i can live for my own...

to let them see the prowess that i have...

but all of it... the promise of that glory... had faded away...

I'm alone... i'm lonely... and sick...

I'm afraid... oh yes... afraid of all the failures...

afraid of trusting again... and afraid of all the regrets that would come...

but i can't go back on the road... all i can do is to just look...

to see how all of them rejoices... while i sulk the pain all by myself...

paano ba maging masaya?

i had myself pondering again... over one thought... how to be happy?

akala ko noon kung ano ang maibigan ko at makuha ko magiging masaya na ako, pero mali ako. nakuha ko na yung gusto ko pero di naman ako masaya.

I looked back to life... pero not a single trace of happiness i had found...

i am vey much neurotic...

di ko alam... pero kasabay ng pagiisip ko kung paano ba maging masaya eh yung reflection ko na siguro napaka-negative ko. I mean, I'm always negative, kasi naniwala ako sa saying na narinig ko na use the negativism around you to be successful - and i did! All my life i'd sulked through it nowing someday i'd attain my own true happiness. pero hindi ata yun yung dapat kong ginawa.

Now look... i've become dependent on it... used it through others... and now it's eating me whole... wala na akong kawala... ngayon di ko na rin alam kung naging masaya nga ako kahit sandali ng buhay ko.

siguro nga... pero superficial lang lahat... not that true happiness...

bago ko pala naisipang ipost ito... nakareceive ako ng letter, same din sa reflection ko... obvious na napakalaking negatively charged particle ako... she said look through life positively... pero paano ba yun? If for once i was depressed all the time, i had a negative disposition and a negative outlook in life...

oh spare me from this... i want a life!!!

kagabi naalala ko na naman siya

di ko na naman napigilang umiyak...

Ewan ko ba, di ko talaga alam kung ano ang nakita ko sa kanya... pero pag-naaalala ko siya, madalas nadedepress ako, madalas nawawala ako sa sarili ko. hindi ko talaga alam...

para tuloy akong si Maria sa eleven minutes, naghahanap ng pagibig niya, ngunit wala naman siyang ginagawa para makita ito... dairy lang ang nakakaalam ng lahat.

pero bakit nga ba ako nadedepress...?

ano nga naman ba ang karapan ko para madepress...?

at bakit kailan ko pang umiyak...?

hindi naman naging kami, ako lang yung umaasa. ni hindi ko nga alam kung alam niya na may pagtingin ako sa kanya. pero bakit ganito pa rin yung nararamdaman ko?

retreat na bukas...

but i've already made my mind - I will not come.

my reasons may appear to be invalid, pero it does makes sense on my part. 36 hours would not be enough to finish every task na meron ako... all pending at the moment. I will be practical, I need those hours to find a practicum site, to finish the psychological assessment for sports psych, and to continue with the thesis. All of these will be at stake pag sumama ako. and then pag balik ko magreregret ako dahil 36 hours yung sinayang ko.

Yes, I can sacrifice my spiritual life... I can! I had been to several retreats, and several recollections. I had received many letters, but all of which didn't fit to the missing piece i've been feeling. Yun yung feeling ko... I always get depressed for I cannot find the answer that i've been searching for ever since... lahat ng mga recollections, lahat ng retreat walang naitulong... bagkus, dumagdag pa sa pasakit na nararamdaman ko.

Ayaw kong maging pastik and all... pero alam ko naman na merong galit sa akin... i can sense that... i know... and ayaw ko ng malaman pa kung sinu-sino sila. besides it wont help much kung malalaman ko, kasi magkakaroon lang ng gap...

to all happy retreat na lng....

wishlist

Okay here is my wishlist sa nakabunot sa akin...

Unless wala lahat ng books na ito sa bookstores, you can give the book one of lemony snicket... yung bad beginning

I need to swallow my pride in saying that i will never post anything. Indeed I cannot just leave. This is a part of the my heart's passion. This is where I empty all my feelings and emotions. This is where I put my thoughts. This is a part of my life, a part of me that I conceal from public.

But what have driven me to return?

It was a simple message from a diary of someone I had read. It says,

Nobody knows that I really like writing... buti na lang we have this project.

I was amazed on how she'd put her whole thoughts in it, on how simple events can make up a unique story. It made me reflect, that indeed like her I had this passion for writing, yet I easily gave up all that when nothing nice seem to happen. I concentrate more on the negative side of life, not the positive side that's why simple things in my life that makes people happy, are always neglected.

I took this depression seriously. I was so affected by the lost of someone never really mine from the start. I look at stressful events and concentrate on it, when i fact i can concentrate on happy thoughts and make my gloomy life bright.

I need to learn my lessons well. This shall be my thought for the days to come.

end...

So far it's the end of this fever for me. I no longer intend to make updates or anything related to that to this blog. I'm just so tired of it. It may be well said as goodbye. But hey, I'm still going to check your url's for updates (if there are for the time being). That's it for now.

Just when I thought its over.

Just when I thought I can move on.

Just when I thought I can laugh again.

Just when I thought these tears would fade away.

You came back pleading.

You came back crying.

You came back promising to try to mend.

You came back asking for another chance

But I'm too numb to accept.

I'm too weak to resist.

I'm too stubborn to think.

And I'm too hopeless without you.

Hay... can't tag again... cookies deactivated...

I wish to say... happy halloween...

Pero what's so happy about halloween?! - just a thought...