concerned?

everytime i got reminded of that phone call (last post), all unexpressed emotions just push through my consciousness, and i couldn't fight it.

anyway, the person who initiated that, never even called back. no wonder, i felt the same kind of feeling towards him. to be honest, if someone reminded me of that past i've been trying to erase, escape or hide (exclusive of my college years), i felt some kind of irritation.

Ewan ko, pero feeling ko i'm just being used like a commodity, na pag wala ng halaga, eh, it's just being discarded like a garbage. the truth is, prior my college years, i felt, i don't have a true friend. what i got, was the so-called friendly-users. they're there with you because you are a "priced possession"; not because you are a dear friend, but rather they want something that you have. in other words, using someone to gain the upper hand.

kaya nga ako iritang-irita, na i just don't like being reminded of it. kasi nga feeling ko i was so stupid not to realize that i was being used, to the certain extent na they're trying to ruin my personal schema. anyway, if someone would dare retort me, that what i'm saying was mere ballyhoes, i don't think he or she could persuade me to change my perceptions. honestly it's so clear right from the very start that all i ever had were friendly-users!

PS: At kung nababasa mo ito, i wouldn't mind apologizing to you, dahil totoo naman. kaya wag na tayong magplastikan okay. plus the fact, that i'm so damn tired of listening to your complaints regarding my status in life. eh ano ngayon sa iyo kung nahuhuli ako, or i'm left behind. hindi naman ikaw ang standard "model" ko sa buhay. so quit being like a concerned fellow.

phone call

a phone call, a threatening phone call, being bitter as a conclusion.
yet when did i sulk into this bitterness?

is bitterness the right term for my emotional state? or would it be fit to be called a walking corpse?

when did it all began? the answer lies in my pre-conscious mind. and i think it's not the proper time to divulge or uncover my dark past. for all i know, i've just learned to tolerate every negative remarks hurled at me. however instead of the usual "enters-the-left-ear-exits-the-right-ear", i'd absorbed everything, even if i can't endure it. a very negative coping style, that buried me even if i'm alive. an action with no point of return, was what i did.

bitterness against being happy? what is happiness? i don't mean to point the dictionary meaning, but the connotation of it. could happiness be sacrified all at once? if so, then it ends here. i'd sacrified my happiness all this years just to keep me alive. so now don't mind asking me when did it all began? when did i felt the pain? and why did i sulked into this state? because you and me never had the same experience. because you and me were raised into different ends of the spectrum.

achievements affected by bitterness? if there were any scientific explation on this, then i haven't read it. but for all i know, an emotionally dead person can no longer achieve anything. and an emotionally dead person doesn't care enough whether he lags behind the rest, whether he exerts much effort or not, or whether he expects much or not at all. because you know what runs in the head of all those emotionally dead person; it is to know how to manage to surpass the dark ages he's into and proceed into the light where he can become free and lively again.

unknown-to-me relations

a curser, very typical of me, as i would describe myself, yet i ain't no witch to put you on trance to make you obey all my demands. i like cursing people, period, so that i can vent out the stress, frustration, or anger that i might be feeling for that given moment or situation.

i'm such a meanie evil person, and i know it all along. if i'm angry at you, expect something evil coming to haunt you. you might as well cover your ears with ear muffs so as not to be bombarded with harsh words you never thought might be spared directly infront of you. you might as well evade from me because i wont stop if i know you reached my patience threshold. this my friends really happened, and i wont deny it, that i became so mean with my own unknown-to-me relatives.

to start it all of, a contagious "anger" negative vibe exploded right before i lost my self-control. it began with my father when everyone had decided to go to san miguel, albay. EVERYONE had already left, except me, my mom, my dad, my bro, my auntie, and my grandparents. Since, my grandfather's health condition is failing, due to carelessness of my auntie and her family, he can't come, even if you reinforced it with a lot of motivation. right infront of me, my father's authoritative voice thundered like hell which changed my positive outlook that day. he decided to stay because no one will take care of them. yet at the very back of his mind, and his whispered curses, that he really wanted to take my grandparents away to that place. that changed everyone's situation, my auntie had tried her best to find a substitute for the work my father had taken - to look and tend for my grandparents needs.

it's quite unexplainable but the rage was definitely passed to me and my mother like a contagious disease that we as well became too damn hot-headed. Indeed we all went to san miguel, albay with my father, and proceeded with to the pier. in there, the unknown-to-me relative started acting like a bullsh*t, saying nonsensical phrases that definitely offended me and my mother. I whispered to my mom that i'm already annoyed, and that one more word from that unknown-to-me relative would put her in a grave situation. and then it goes, and like a volcano, i exploded, for this simple reason: she asked my mom to hold the watermelon even if it's already neatly placed down. she asked that twice in a demanding tone like she's bullying a kid, that i already intervened and told her in a commanding voice that if she don't stop, i'm going to definitely throw that watermelon right before her eyes to the sea with her as well!

It's so irritating, yes, for me, but it didn't stopped there. the last and final thread of my patience broke off when another unknown-to-me relative had accused my brother of spilling the so damn barbeque marinade, with which she was assuming to be taking care of. Without any a do, she just accused my brother of spilling it without any valid proofs to support her allegation. And what did your old meanie friend do, i retorted her, that it was definitely her fault because in the first place she was the one looking after it, and why accuse someone who has nothing to do with it. I never stopped, and my mother never dared stop me, she as well released her annoyance. I continued telling her that if she didn't just placed it there and let her eyes and attention go wandering off that would never even happen. After that, total silence, and no one dared to look at me, and look at my direction. i felt they're scared of me, because a another word from me would take their precious peace of mind away.

my holy week experience

yeah right, tama kama, delayed masyado... wala kasing connection last week eh...

anyway, after 9 years of not going back to that place i despised alot, i had trotted it again. I realized, that despite the disaster that happened, i felt that the place didn't even had a slight progress. so to speak it's still the same old province devoid of any urban activity.

hindi ko alam ang rason kung bakit ako napasama sa pag-uwi sa probinsya, pero ang alam ko noon eh magupupgrade kami ng internet connection at saktong after ng holy week pa yun, at ayokong maiwan sa bahay para utusan ng kapatid ko. siguro i felt obliged to go dahil ilang taon ko na ring hindi nakikita yung mga lolo at lola ko.
Though, i promised myself na babalik lang ako dun if something worst happen to them, pero i put that aside and went still dahil i think it would be the last time na makikitang ko silang buhay pa.

Though not very old, i think lalo silang humuhina if they were placed in that poor situation; poor lighting condition, poor ventilation, and lack of affection and familial care. sobra hindi ko matake. kung hindi lang nasira yung bahay ng lolo at lola ko, i think they would be better off, than staying at my uncle's house. I mean sobra ang effort ko, not to show any negative emotions, dahil alam niyo na masakit akong magsalita.

Ito pa ang isang problema na nakita ko mismo, they don't have time to take care my grandparents, plus the fact na sinasabihan nila ito ng masasakit na salita. No wonder, from what i heard that they wished to go away from that filthy house. Ito pa ang sobrang malala, yung auntie ko, kapatid ng tatay ko, nung nagkasakit yung lolo ko, imbis na tulungan ang uncle ko na dalhin sa ospital at magambag sa gastusin, eh ang sinabi lang eh magpatawag ng pari dahil mamamatay na raw siya. F*ck her, for being such an ingrateful, cold-hearted bitch! Ang habol lang naman niya eh yung part niya sa mamanahin na land area... humph! It's no big deal, why my dad wants to get my grandparents out there as soon as possible.

Pero, you know what hindi ko rin napigilan ang emotions ko... i never call that "ingrata" auntie anymore, plus the fact na ako na ang nagsuggest sa father ko na itakwil na lang siya sa pamilya, tutal naman ingrata nga naman siya. Thank goodness hindi siya nagpakita nung araw na nanduon kami kung hindi naingudngud ko yung pagmumukha niya sa sahig.