Wednesday, January 31, 2007

middle child syndrome

I've been thinking lately about what was wrong with my psychological make-up.
I don't even know why I feel terribly empty, lonely, and unhappy. I know something
is wrong, yet even if I'd been conferred with a psychological degree I still can't
determine what is it. And for some reason, I misdiagnose myself to be having a depressed
state, or even having anorexia nervosa, for most of the symptoms are prevalently
prominent. More so, most of the time, I think there's something that is missing in
my life, and that I wanted to search for it.

Before a clinical psychologist told me, that I looked more as a patient and not
as a junior practinioner in the field. And you know what? I feel that it is true.
Conflicts that are more likely unresolved surges back
which caughts me off ground. If these things could just be explained by a single
syndrome then more likely it is "Middle Child Syndrome".

Middle child syndrome from the traditional psychological point of view, does not exist.
No such theory in psychology dealt with such syndrome. Only characteristics of being
a middle child, be it positive or negative characteristics or traits, and a middle
child's constant struggles to gain attention. Yet no one ever described that being a
middle child you need to become a loner, an underachiever, and have an unhappy view
about life.

Of course, I say so all these, because I'm a middle child. And being in my position
is not as good as it seems. Yes, I can have both worlds, both of the extremes, yet
the truth is, I can only earn or grab a part of it and not the entirety of both extremes. And most of the time, I feel that I am neglected. Why? Because my big brother is my father's favorite, and my younger brother being my mother's favorite. So where am I going to place myself? I just can't push my way through to get their attention. So my possible escape from such thing is to go away, shut myself from their existence.

It's not nice, but it's the only way for me not to feel the pain. Yet by doing so
many psychological problems arise covering up the main root. By moving away, I feel more secure, but with no outlet what so ever, to pour out all my feelings. By moving away, I learn not to trust people, for some simple reason, they're just like my parents - untrustful. By moving away, my life changed and now the emptiness that I described fills me in. With such action that I did, i felt unhappy.

Now may be that explains it; why I can't find anything that would make me happy and contented. May be it can also explain why I can't achieve something worth it, even though for some it's already a great achievement.

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