retreat na bukas...

but i've already made my mind - I will not come.

my reasons may appear to be invalid, pero it does makes sense on my part. 36 hours would not be enough to finish every task na meron ako... all pending at the moment. I will be practical, I need those hours to find a practicum site, to finish the psychological assessment for sports psych, and to continue with the thesis. All of these will be at stake pag sumama ako. and then pag balik ko magreregret ako dahil 36 hours yung sinayang ko.

Yes, I can sacrifice my spiritual life... I can! I had been to several retreats, and several recollections. I had received many letters, but all of which didn't fit to the missing piece i've been feeling. Yun yung feeling ko... I always get depressed for I cannot find the answer that i've been searching for ever since... lahat ng mga recollections, lahat ng retreat walang naitulong... bagkus, dumagdag pa sa pasakit na nararamdaman ko.

Ayaw kong maging pastik and all... pero alam ko naman na merong galit sa akin... i can sense that... i know... and ayaw ko ng malaman pa kung sinu-sino sila. besides it wont help much kung malalaman ko, kasi magkakaroon lang ng gap...

to all happy retreat na lng....

wishlist

Okay here is my wishlist sa nakabunot sa akin...

Unless wala lahat ng books na ito sa bookstores, you can give the book one of lemony snicket... yung bad beginning

I need to swallow my pride in saying that i will never post anything. Indeed I cannot just leave. This is a part of the my heart's passion. This is where I empty all my feelings and emotions. This is where I put my thoughts. This is a part of my life, a part of me that I conceal from public.

But what have driven me to return?

It was a simple message from a diary of someone I had read. It says,

Nobody knows that I really like writing... buti na lang we have this project.

I was amazed on how she'd put her whole thoughts in it, on how simple events can make up a unique story. It made me reflect, that indeed like her I had this passion for writing, yet I easily gave up all that when nothing nice seem to happen. I concentrate more on the negative side of life, not the positive side that's why simple things in my life that makes people happy, are always neglected.

I took this depression seriously. I was so affected by the lost of someone never really mine from the start. I look at stressful events and concentrate on it, when i fact i can concentrate on happy thoughts and make my gloomy life bright.

I need to learn my lessons well. This shall be my thought for the days to come.

end...

So far it's the end of this fever for me. I no longer intend to make updates or anything related to that to this blog. I'm just so tired of it. It may be well said as goodbye. But hey, I'm still going to check your url's for updates (if there are for the time being). That's it for now.

Just when I thought its over.

Just when I thought I can move on.

Just when I thought I can laugh again.

Just when I thought these tears would fade away.

You came back pleading.

You came back crying.

You came back promising to try to mend.

You came back asking for another chance

But I'm too numb to accept.

I'm too weak to resist.

I'm too stubborn to think.

And I'm too hopeless without you.

Hay... can't tag again... cookies deactivated...

I wish to say... happy halloween...

Pero what's so happy about halloween?! - just a thought...

Immature daw ako?!

My ex-bestfriend and I had a fight. Weird?! I just asked him to tell me the truth yet what do i get as a result - invectives that doesn't define me appropriately. And now I realize that he never really treated me as a friend. Imagine, he dared told me that he don't consider me as such! And mind my own business, when in fact he dragged me through it, and as a concerned friend you want your assumed friend to be always at a good disposition.

Do you know that he accused me of being childish, immature, naive, telling unbelievable and unconvincing stories, when in fact its a mere projection of his attitudes and characteristics over me. When i told him that he became aggressive and told me that i was jealous, and envious about his life, and that i was bitter! When I explained my point in a much more annoying note, he dared told me i was insecure and needed intervention. Duh! right?! Do i need to psychologize myself when in fact my self-concept and self-esteem are intact and stable!

When i expressed my annoyance and let him face reality by explaining his actions psychologically, he just said he doesn't mind reading it. How stupid right?! Then he said that EQ and IQ is not the topic, it's my immaturity! How damn fucking moron is he, immaturity as far as i know is positively correlated with EQ and IQ. And i presume that i was stable in both areas, how come I became immature?

Who do you think is immature between the two of us, he who cannot accept constructive criticism or me who let him realize it that it is helpful to be honest all the time?

I wish to share this quote from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist

"When you possess great treasures within you, and try to tell others of them, seldom are you believed."

Think of it this way, I wanted to proceed to med school, had my application form prior to the deadline for filing yet I had not filed it. I'm still uncertain for my own future, and yes cognitive dissonance acts again! I do really wish to proceed to med school but I'm having second thought if whether I'm still capable of handling the pressure, and if my parents would still be capable of sending me to a decent med school.

In a country like the Philippines, where resources are very scarce and the economy id failing with each passing of the day, I think it would not be applicable to invest large amount of money wherein you could get nothing in return. But if I chose not to proceed, saan naman ako mapupunta? I'll be an employee in an HR? Ayaw ko ng HR, ayaw ko sa industrial setting. Sa educational setting, hindi naman ako pwede kailangan ng MA degree for guidance and counseling. Last option siguro is call-center agent... hay... ano ba talaga ang magiging bukas ko...

Alam ko kyo rin ganito ang nasa isip... parang walang patutunguhan... hay...

moving on but not letting go...

by whine

I've had enough.

No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much.

I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of. No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my lunch wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in just to have some privacy to piteously think of you, cry, sing or do some silly things because of you. And no, never will I again think of you last when I go to sleep. Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I am moving on.

I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left but that once you stayed.

And if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the future that we could have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that i feel, but I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share with the one man I felt it for. I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the man who left.

I will give my affections to any man who is need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give him the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours. Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he's here, you're not.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think of you. I'll just try to smile.

I am moving on.. and hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

If you were given an option to choose, what would you choose? To stay or go and conform with the culture's pressure? Would you wish to be dictated by someone to follow the traditional norms imposed? Or would you like to be independent from it - seldom conforming; for you have set different standards for yourself?

Honestly, it's just so irritating to conform to the norms, and I guess it will always be. They may brand you with different name-callings or labels to justify the fact that you're no good. But who the hell cares, right? If they think that it's right, well then I will contend that "every one's decisions and opinions are unique, and that every one is entitled and responsible for what decisions or opinions are they going to make.

NO ONE IS SUPERIOR THAN THE REST CONSTITUTIONALLY. AND NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DICTATE TO YOU ON WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO."

To conform with social pressures is a suicide. To conform with their acts and ideas renders one to become a part of it, though he or she doesn't like what he or she is doing.

I had written this because I personally experienced it. What happened was these people wanted me to conform, yet I decline with their request, and never did attempted to do anything about it. I made my decision, and I stick with it. I had not paid my fare just for me to be asked to push a wrecked car in the middle of the highway. And it's not the right also to reprimand other people who had done nothing wrong to you. Its just so happpen that these "co-passengers" of mine deliberately crossed the boundaries; making snide remarks and all.

Who the hell is she to tell me on what I am going to do? Is she the one feeding me? Is she the one paying all my expenses, giving me the basic necesseties that I needed?

No, right?

So how come does she expects me to conform with them? How filthy is she to say those words to me? And was she right on all things, and that those who defied to conform are always wrong?

If you were in my situation and you were asked by someone to conform with what they dictate would you conform or you decline just as what I did?

friendster got a new look... somewhat based on CSS... kindda similar with myspace, yet still if you wish to edit it applying all sorts of codes you know, you'll be dismayed because it's still got a character limit... annoying... additional 1000 characters is not enough for a cross browser marquee with almost over 3000 characters without the text you will add...

anyways what is CSS anyway and is friendster giving the users freedom to change their own profile page... kindda sounds intriguing... but i wish i can do that...